Written by Pelka Evdenic Kuzelka
There was a story. I was going to write about how I became a volunteer… but then I went back to my mother’s house… without my mother… and this month’s story changed on its own.
She left at the end of October last year, after 1056 lunar cycles lived and died. Born under the influence of the full moon, she was gifted with her boundless energy and zest for life, which so characterised her and gave her the strength to meet all challenges. In fact, for her, no idea was too far-fetched or beyond her limits; she believed deeply in God’s will and his unconditional support, so she was able to complete everything she set out to do with this unwavering strength of faith.
Her presence still permeates every inch of the space, especially in her bedroom-atelier. I pulled an armchair next to her bed and settled there, breathing in her scent and letting myself flow with and be enveloped by these memories. Waves of emotion, sounds and images flowed through my being, intermingled outside of any obvious chronological order, grouped rather by sensations…. A sense of peace, a sense of gratitude, a sense of curiosity for all the feelings she had that we did not share.
I was wondering what her last thought was before she left this earthly body? Had she realised all of her wishes? Will she be born again soon? Was she born again already? Her words came to me in waves, spoken in agony, days before her death, addressed to her brother, who had already preceded her 19 years earlier: “Johan, open the door for me… show me what I have to do”…Once she suddenly turned to me, as if we were in mid-discussion, although we were silent: “Pelka, I don’t want to put my head through the wall!” Why should you put your head through the wall?” I asked her softly… “I don’t know Pelka, what should I do?” and she was submerged again into her world between dreams and parallel dimensions.
I felt deep peace, caressing that silky sheet with floral print, which she had sewn herself. Images followed, their parade through my mind and the sensation of tender warmth wrapped me in it, serenaded me… I flowed calmly, gratefully and full of love. And so I spent the whole afternoon, well into the night, wrapped in this inner presence. That night I slept very peacefully.
Yes, it was idyllic and if I were to leave it here, it would look like a movie. But the next day came the part where all this flow crashed dramatically into the rock of ‘taking things for granted’; taking anything for granted leads inexorably to disappointment. Having expectations is an obstacle that blocks our flow, and that day it was my turn to understand this. I sat back in the armchair next to her bed, trying to understand why, and understood: thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I understood that I depended on my mother’s recognition even if she was no longer in this dimension. I truly understood the meaning of a theory that goes, to paraphrase, that if we disregard all moral and ethical laws, as well as the natural instinct of protection, what remains as the only necessity for a spirit to get a physical body and be able to live this three-dimensional experience on Earth, is the mother, no matter what species, to bring the child into the world. EVERYTHING else is a gift that the child receives from its mother.
My lived experiences, seen from this perspective, take on brightness and I realise that all the love, care and affection I received from my mother, in her peculiar and unique way, and I can only be grateful for everything she gave and did, as well as for what she didn’t give and didn’t do. It is all good, because she always did it with the best of intentions, to help everyone do well. I realise her capacity to love everyone and everything equally. I sink more comfortably into the armchair, with my eyes closed, listening to her voice saying: “Beware, children, of all the evils of soul and body. Take care of yourselves, take care of your health while you have it, it is difficult to take care of, it is lost very quickly. Thank you very much. Don’t worry about anything, I am well. I Love you all.”