“I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection…” – Clementine von Radics
So far I haven’t written about Mohanji here? I mean, about Mohanji in my life? Well, it’s high time I do that.
I have been on this journey for four years, and at the end of last year, everything became intensified: an eight-day “Ignite your inner flame” retreat on Kopaonik, New Year’s Eve 2020 in Belgrade in Mohanji’s energy, a fifty-day stay in India for a yoga course. I am currently in the middle of a nine-week ‘Women M Power Online Bootcamp’, inspired by Mohanji. With each “level”, something huge ‘breaks away’ from me and I see myself in a different light, that is, in a stronger light. Regarding the Bootcamp: I’d spent most of my past lives that I saw in fragile bodies of women without the position of power, but also without the usual framework that would make them “real” women (a husband, children, a patriarchal family) and with the attitude that they (those women) know what they know and that they force their own story no matter what. My regression therapist formulated this as a “permanent, timeless definition of self-esteem.” And now, in this program, it’s as if something is forcing me to finally learn to be a woman, a real woman. And it’s not that hard anymore. And you know why? Because it seems for the first time in these earthly journeys of my soul, it doesn’t mean that I should play the way others play, that I fit in (as if I used to do that), but you know what: suddenly there is no struggle, no pain, no punishment. I just need to be myself – myself with all the scars, cracks, imperfections. And the only mistake is when I don’t accept some part of myself; then Mohanji brings me back to the previous steps, asks me to be even more my own, even more, honest with myself, even stronger, to expose myself even more …
So, Mohanji and I: it’s like I’m a soccer player who miraculously came from some bottom league club on the team of a top coach (this comparison is a bit funny because I’ve never played sports, I’ve never been interested in sports). What does a real coach do? He first examines the player’s weaknesses and strengths – highlights the strengths and works on the weaknesses. I suppose so. A real coach quickly realizes what the true virtues of each player are, and what is the best position for him, how to “use” him in the team best. Well, now, that player (me) is talented, she respects fair play, but she is lazy during practice time and she is difficult by nature. What should a real coach do with that kind of a player? To make her practice regularly, to convince her the position she has put her at is right for her and the team (much better than the one the player has played so far and which she likes more), to shape her as a team player but not to kill her character in the process. To show her what to focus on and make her aware of what takes away her energy and efficiency.
Here is an example: I am writing a text and a friend of mine is helping me with the English translation. We got stuck with one sentence. I’m just terrible when I write… Every word, every comma, every seemingly illogical thing, or a mistake in my writing has its “why”. And I don’t allow anyone, absolutely anyone, to change anything in my writing, because I write perfectly in Serbian – that’s how I feel. But in this case, a sheer miracle!! I don’t write in Serbian now. My friend is more than correct, but in this case, she is procrastinating, “subverting” her own views, ignoring my instructions… I’m not even very angry! I can clearly see that there is something there, but time passes, we can’t come to an end with that one damn sentence. She doesn’t give in, I don’t give in. Finally, I get a solution that I am happy with. At the same moment, Mohanji’s words pop up on Facebook: “Done is better than perfect. If we spend our days waiting for perfection we will become stagnant. Don’t worry about how big, small, perfect, or ugly your step is, just walk and keep walking. Prove to the world that life is working exactly as it is with all its imperfections. ”
In this Bootcamp, my progress is really great. There is no my usual behaviour: to get angry, to whine, to protest, so when it’s all over, I scream with laughter – now I’m laughing in the middle of the show. For example the other day I made a video in English: I even liked my English, I didn’t like the way I looked. I felt that he gave me the task to record a video in English (he gave it to me back in March, too, when I was in India, but I didn’t acknowledge that message from him), but this time I simply did it. And then, two, three days after I posted that video on Facebook, an announcement appears that now everything can be done in the Serbian language. Here I am, still laughing, every time it pops up in my mind.
Author: Vesna Mišić, born in 1968. Leads one ordinary life in Serbia. Has been writing ever since she learnt to write. Publish two novels. Tried various spiritual techniques till Mohanji found her. She realised then that it’d be a long voyage and that she’s just got on board an ocean liner
