Every 'good girl' would have been told by her mother to stay away from married men. And I was a 'good girl'...until the unthinkable happened, which made me question my assumptions and challenged my self concept.
If a man could be called beautiful, it would be him. He was Vegan, a yoga instructor, tall, dark, handsome...and very married. I was recovering from a 9 year relationship, with only my gorgeous 2 year old son to show for it. And the first man that moved me after 1 year of celibacy was him. Life sure had a perverse sense of humour. He flirted with me...I resisted. He complimented me...I feigned indifference. He told me about his family...I admired his values. He sent me poetry...I fell in love. So I told myself: "I've been through a lot! I deserve to have a good time; it's not like I intend to hurt anyone." (This is rationalization).
We made plans to meet early in the year; I bought new underwear, obsessed about what brand of condoms to buy, wrote poetry, had stimulating conversations with him in my head, smiled to myself and tried not to think about his wife. Two weeks before our meeting, I got a text saying she saw one of my messages and he had to lie to get out of trouble. My heart sank. The guilt I had held at bay tightened in my chest and had a fist fight in my belly. I remembered my mother's words: "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Karma. We cannot always control how we feel, but we can determine what we do. Emotions are a natural part of all human beings. They are not good or bad; they just are. The choices we make on the other hand, can be positive or negative based on the impact they have on people's lives. (This process is called realization).
By choosing to do the right thing, I am hoping to attract my ideal life partner. If by chance he may feel tempted to stray after decades of togetherness, karma will set him back on the path to my heart. (This is visualization).
We love who we love. If I never lay a finger on him, I would love him still. This energy or feeling is not partial to class, person, status or position. We need to honour ourselves by owning our feelings. Luckily, the universe does not damn us for thinking or feeling. If it did, I would be in hell right now.
However, the fact that we love someone does not mean we should be in a sexual relationship with them. Everyone nowadays want to live a limitless life. The truth is, boundaries are necessary to maintain sanity and harmony within ourselves and the world. (This is reaffirmation).
Haneefah is the creative Director of her recently formed internet station Island Beat TV, and host of Owambe Jam, a cultural event to celebrate World Poetry Day.