I have always been caught between two types of people that seem to know what my approach on life should be: the ones that say life is only to be enjoyed, without putting too much back into it, without useless efforts, struggles or questions and the ones that say the opposite: live your life with passion, push yourself in becoming better, never cease struggling and questioning everything and especially yourself. As you probably know, some people have very clear ideas on how others should live their lives...
I have spent a lot of time trying to adapt to situations where I wasn’t comfortable or trying to mingle, to be part of groups that were not representing who I was or what I believed it. I have invested even more effort in trying to change in order to be accepted. Wait, not just accepted, but acknowledged as an important member of groups I thought meant the world to me at some point. And I have wasted a lot of sleepless nights trying to decide myself which side am I on: mine or the others.
All this might come from self-trust or self-esteem issues... when they are not stable, but fluctuant, it’s very likely you behave like the most unreasonable man in the world and feel like the most alienated human on Earth.
What I have discovered over the years is that it’s very simple to be live in a cozy, mildly warm, comfort zone. The same way it’s very easy to blame everybody and everything else for your position in life – I know it because I did it for some years and it costs me a lot of pain.
It’s easy to be or become self-sufficient, especially when this condition seems to be the promise land of living happily and not tormented by anything. It’s easy to fall in this giant modern trap that says life is short so you should enjoy it with minimums: minimum efforts to strive for better, minimum openness to persons who are really worthy, minimum willingness to get broken, beaten and humiliated just so you can get back on your feet, minimum determination in risking it all and starting over, minimum availability to reinvent everything that you are, minimum courage to stand up to yourself, minimum, minimum, minimum...
I guess the hardest part in life is to fight against you. Maybe it’s a little like fighting your survival instinct that tells you not to go into the flames so you won’t die from burnings. The tricky part is that for a period of time you fight against who you think you are. The real you doesn’t reveal before you go through some stages. That unless, of course, you have always been a self-sufficient arrogant dude, who knows it all, needs to learn nothing and who can teach everybody how to live.
The real struggle is to decide what your attitude will be: settle or want more. Be or become. Remain plain or keep learning. With all the torment I feel, it’s very strange to me how people decide to remain in one place. Or to stay still. In a world that continues to change, how can you stay still? Look at everything around you: education, technology, medicine – everything evolves, changes, transforms into something else. Of course, not all changes are good. The same way, not all the steps you are going to take will be smooth and pleasant. But, again, how can you stay still when everything moves?
Deciding to be a struggler it’s a step no one can take in your place. And it’s part of a more sensitive process: accepting who you are. Everybody talks nowadays about knowing yourself, accepting yourself, forgiving yourself, yet few people spend time in understanding what all this means and even fewer people are willing to take the blind fold off their eyes to see if what they decided really works for them.
If they can settle for being just a spectator and not the leading artist of their life. If they won’t regret later not struggling for themselves: to challenge everything they though they knew about themselves, to stretch and push themselves more so they can take pride in who they become, to work really hard to achieve their goals, to suffer more just so they can say they have been really alive.
It struck me to see so many self-sufficient attitudes around me. You have one life.
Is it the life you want? Are you the person you want to be? Are all your dreams fulfilled? No? Then what the heck are you doing resting? You’re taking a break? You can’t take a life time break!!! It will come back to haunt you!
So, few years back I decided: I am a struggler. With the risk of finding peace of mind only three minutes before I die, with the risk of being exhausted from chasing dreams – so impossible according to others, with the risk of not “enjoying” life as given, I am the struggler that will have just one thing to regret in the old age: did not had more energy to do everything I have been passionate about! So I am asking you, for the sake of the gift called life, decide.
Decide what you are going to be, before it’s too late!
Author: Oana Rădeanu
Bio: I am a 35 year old female from Romania and I am in love with writing.
You can find my work here www.catchy.ro/author/oana-radeanu and here www.oanasimaicum.wordpress.com/category/english-section
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