Your personality might fight this (inner work) – but this is what your soul chose before being born in this life – Irina Nola
I was a boring, well-behaved kid, kind of naturally “drawn into” order, work and discipline. I was, in fact, bored in every sense: calm, reclusive, polite, living in the world of my own, with no desire to run around, play or do stupid things. My parents were very strict, of course, but there was something else. Even when I was still very young, I enjoyed that order and I was deeply convinced that it was the right thing to do: to know clearly what, where, how, why… I had no need to explore the world at all, to do something out of the ordinary, forbidden, to take risks. I just observed and drew conclusions.
As a child I was what people call “old beyond my age”, and, believe you me, I have no idea how I’ve got where I am now. When the people who are close to me tell me that I am unpredictable, capricious, disrespectful towards authority, and that I think not with my head but with my heart, that I take risks without any logic, I am again confused. Is that me? It’s not possible! But the results of my actions make that clear. I didn’t finish college even though I had all the qualities and opportunities to do that. I just couldn’t get myself to do something that was not working for me at that moment (instead of studying for the exams, I was collecting material for my novel). That is why only low-paid jobs were waiting for me. Those were the jobs I disliked and where I was most often denied my basic human rights (social, health care, sick leave), and I did not hesitate to point it out (the bigger the authority figure, the cheekier I was). In addition, I chose jobs not according to how much money, security and benefits they would bring me, but how much I would enjoy them, or, if I could not enjoy them, how easy they would be so that I could do more of what I really wanted to do. And what I wanted to do (to write, read, explore certain topics), I worked completely devotedly and meticulously, as if I was studying… Only without a degree.
Then, I left my unmarried husband when our baby was four months old, and I was out of work, without any income, savings or any material inheritance, and returned to my parents whom I experienced as my worst karma.
He has been a nice man, there was no abuse, I even suffered a lot after we’d split up, but I could not stay in something that became a dry formality. And I never regretted any of my decisions. There were days when it was so difficult and unworkable that I wondered how I imagined to go on, but the conclusion was always: it couldn’t have been otherwise. I’ve paid for my choices! Oh, I’ve paid them, all right! With the constant fear for bare existence, the constant high levels of stress, the material dependence on my parents. Am I, to be fair, spoiled, immature? Yes. Influenced by patterns, tamas, karma? Probably. Unreasonable? Hmmm, I’m not sure. I didn’t make any of those, in 3D definitely unreasonable decisions, on the spot. Before that, I was trying hard for a long time to change my reality, to reconcile with the other side, to change myself. And it always came to the point where it could no longer be. When you completely lose yourself. Your Ego? Or your Soul? I do not know. All I know is that it was always easier after such decisions. Physically, worldly, it was a hundred times more difficult, but I felt easier inside.
Of course, I’m aware that if you confront a boss in a country with no real order, you are fired, that karma intensifies when you are in any way dependent on someone, and that people who are actually good, will use your vulnerability to chase your story (in your life). And I was always trying to choose a more reasonable path. Did not work! Even if I was successful, essentially the same situation would soon occur, which would again put me ahead of the same choice. It was a real war within me: a war between what commands my mind and what screams out of me. The war between the ego and the soul? Or is the soul first and the ego second? It’s like sitting in front of a map of the world, contemplating which trip to take, and I say to myself: “Paris, for example, would be perfect, some decent hotel and sightseeing,” and then some devil in me decides: “No, let’s go to the jungle. I know the jungle is dangerous and stressful and uncomfortable, but I want to see the jungle.”
The devil, the soul, the ego? I do not know. I only know that that “something”, is always stronger and persistent to fulfil its story to the last letter, and in 3D, I’m left crying because my wishes never come true.
Author: Vesna Mišić, born in 1968. Leads one ordinary life in Serbia. Has been writing ever since she learnt to write. Publish two novels. Tried various spiritual techniques until Mohanji found her. She realised then that it’d be a long voyage and that she’s just got on board an ocean liner