“I'm not the mistakes that I have made
Or any of the things that caused me pain,
I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind, I am light...”
Mohanji says to connect with the master by considering what we are like, not what the master is like. So, what is my connection with Mohanji?
I'll start with the hardest part: when he cleans something that is in me. I always know what it is about, because prior to that there is a rush of small situations that bring a certain topic to the fore. And I always promise that this time I will endure, to accept immediately, to surrender completely. And then he starts to tighten... Like a dentist: the doctor has to find a malfunction, and the indicator of what needs to be fixed is pain. And then he starts to drill a tooth, and there is no end in sight... Honestly, up until now, I have never been able to fully endure, my tolerance for discomfort has increased, but at one point, he would always manage to lead me to a crash down, and then I would be angry, very angry, sometimes even rude. I was especially disturbed by what I characterized as cynicism. For example, I haven't been able to find a job for six months. Never before had it happened to me that I had been trying unsuccessfully for so long to get a job. It seemed like with the guru’s arrival into my life things got harder. It was crystal clear to me what he was doing. So much fear, anger, hopelessness, hatred, self-pity, lack of self-confidence, came out of me. How would I become aware of all this if I got a job right away, or in two, three months? But then, as if that hadn't been enough, as if I'd needed to be completely beaten up: I had already been in training for a job for three days when I was suddenly told that the worker I'd been supposed to replace changed her mind and would not leave the job. Then I saw that same woman working in another company. So they lied to me, I wasn't suitable for them, I thought. The feeling that I am useless and a loser was even stronger than fear. And then, in passing, I heard a woman whom I didn't know telling someone that her daughter got a job in that very place... I don't normally ask Mohanji "why", I have faith in him and I know that he knows perfectly why, but it was one of those moments when it seemed to me that this was unnecessary heartless cynicism. However, while designing this text, I remembered an event from my childhood: I was fifteen years old and I asked my father for permission to go to the beach with some friends. He said no. I asked him why I couldn't go. He said, "Because I say so." I went to the beach despite the ban. I had never done that before. When I got home, I told my father right from the door that I'd been at the beach. He didn't say anything, he didn't do anything, but I thought he was going to kill me. Why did I tell him? Because my action would not otherwise make sense. So does Mohanji, because he knows who he is dealing with.
Then, an easier way to connect with him, like when a father slams a child because it put its finger in the power plug: I immediately pop up a convenient post on Facebook, or my daughter starts talking unstoppably about something that turned out to be just for me...
I smile and tell him: "Okay, I understand..." These are lessons related to judgment, condemnation, attitude... ego questions, in fact.
The way which is most beautiful is when he speaks to me through songs. It’s when he has nothing special to tell me, when he just tells me he’s there, he sees me, he thinks of me. Immediately after the first meeting with him, we established that way of communication. I was completely confused, and after the Satsang, all under the impression, I went to the supermarket to buy something, and a song was on the radio from the very part that was the answer... However, what is fascinating is that I often hear songs in my head, not from some device. I haven't used a TV for ten years, and I rarely listen to music, because I mostly like silence. And then, when I'm occupied with a special theme, or in a special mood, it just appears, a verse, a refrain, a part of a song... Many times these are songs that I hardly know, I have no idea who sings them, where I picked them up, and then I have to search the internet to catch the message. It’s fun, actually. The craziest part: most of the songs are in Serbian. How does he do it?!
The wonderful song "I am light" is popping up all over me these days. These days I really am that: light and lightness.
Author: Vesna Mišić, born in 1968. Leads one ordinary life in Serbia. Has been writing ever since she learnt to write. Publish two novels. Tried various spiritual techniques till Mohanji found her. She realised then that it'd be a long voyage and that she's just got on board an ocean liner